I Should've Just Kept My Mouth Shut

May 10, 2013



This tree stole my dignity.

Home renovations rarely come without their fair share of problems.  People talk about it all the time and everyone seems to have the same story.  The script seldom varies, there are the requisite complaints about the shoddy contractor, the permit hassles and the unexpected expenses, the public humiliation.  

Oh wait.

That’s just me.

I don’t know why, but somehow, someway I always end up on the wrong end of a really funny story.  They are great to tell at cocktail parties, at least my husband thinks so and it seems the more embarrassing they are, the longer people tend to remember them...and repeat them.  This one's pretty embarrassing, so it's had some real staying power...lucky me.

It all started when we needed a tree removed.  

We were on the last leg of a major renovation when one night my husband and I were awakened by a loud crash in the backyard.  It sounded like a car had driven through our fence.  In the morning, we discovered that a huge branch had fallen on the kids’ swing set.  Naturally, I was freaked out, the kids and their friends played there all the time.  The tree was dead and needed to go, so I arranged for its removal with the tree guy who lived in my neighborhood, just a few streets away in fact, in my teeny, tiny, little town.   

The morning before “tree day” was a rough one. I had a sick kid, was up all night long and totally exhausted when the doorbell rang at seven am.  Who was ringing my bell at that hour and what could they possibly need? It didn’t matter, because I was not answering the door, especially since I was in bad pj’s, had bed-head and was obviously wearing no make up.  I had just gotten out of bed and I hadn’t even brushed my teeth yet.  However, curiosity got the best of me and I peeked out the window.  Smiling back at me was the tree guy, a very nice looking young man in his twenties, very tall, very tan and very blonde.  Crap.  Did I get the day wrong?  Now I had to open the door.

I quickly threw my hair up in a rubber band and reluctantly went outside in my disheveled state.  I looked terrible.  Of course the sun was shining on the tree guy, all tan and twenty.  I tried not to make eye contact.  It’s like that game that toddlers play when they cover their eyes, if they can’t see you, surely you can’t see them.  If only. 

He started telling me how he had a cancellation and would it be okay if he started today instead, blah, blah, blah.  I just wanted him to shut up, so I could shut the door and retreat in humiliation, but when I opened my mouth to say sure, poised to make my quick getaway, I felt something on my tongue and then balancing on my lower lip.  I moved my hand to investigate just as that cocky guy said in complete and total disgust, “Oh man!  Did your tooth just fall out?”  Horrified, I’m thinking, oh crap, DID my tooth just fall out??

Turns out yes, yes it did. My tooth just fell out in front of the golden god.  Actually, falling straight out would have been better look for me.  It was just sort of stuck there on my lip and I had to pluck it off, lisping in the process...to be honest, it was only the bonding that fell off, which was a detail that didn’t really seem to matter much at that point, to either of us.  He was repulsed and I was mortified.

Now if this had happened in front of a less attractive fellow or in front of someone I didn't know, or in say Alaska, my Sicilian mouth would’ve kicked in I would’ve just said, “Yea dude, so? What are you lookin’ at?”  Unfortunately, vanity got the best of me and without the armor usually provided by mascara and lipstick, I was rendered speechless, standing there on my front porch in ratty pjs, a bad ponytail, absolutely no make up and now one less tooth…I was a pathetic punch line as I had just gone from hottie to hillbilly at thirty three and it would be around town by noon.  (Did I mention it was a small town?)  There was no coming back from this one. 

When I managed to slink back inside, I immediately called my husband for sympathy.  He laughed. Very hard. Then he put me on speaker and asked me to repeat the story for his office.  I hung up, besides I had work to do.  It may have been a plain old Wednesday, but I was wearing a dress fit for a Saturday night and a pair of three inch heels that afternoon, when the doorbell rang for the second time that day.  I stood on that front porch again, as I handed him a check.  

He smiled as he gave me the tree removal details and then said thank you.

I said nothing, this time.

 I just nodded. 

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31 comments:

  1. OMG......I am dying laughing, all while at work. Out loud and everyone is now looking at me. Your posts always make me think, sometimes laugh, but this one takes the cake. In serious Kim fashion. How could I not love ya ;)

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    1. Thanks Kris! I guess if I could make you laugh, something good did come out of it! :) It was mortifying.

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  2. You just made my day. Sorry it was "kind of" at your expense. XOXO Meri

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    1. Glad I made you smile Meri! :) Happy Mother's Day! XOXO

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  3. OMG, WHAT?! I was NOT expecting that story to take the turn it did! I'm so sorry to laugh, but I had to. I felt guilty about it, which I guess makes it okay.

    The bad thing is that this is actually a fear of mine. (The tooth falling out, not a hot guy coming to my house.) I have nightmares about it all the time and it's horrible.

    Was it loose? Please tell me it was loose and was already on the verge of falling out. I can't accept any other answer as it will only fuel my unreasonable fear. :-)

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    1. It's ok to laugh Lisa and you don't have to feel guilty, I actually laugh whenever I think about it...it was ridiculous in a mortifying kind of way! I hate to freak you out, but no, not loose before. Just kind of jumped out of mouth, it was as if my entire body was conspiring against me that morning! I think your teeth will be ok and if you avoid hot guys and you should be fine ;)

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  4. This is great! You are the perfect storyteller. I'm so glad crappy stuff happens to other people too. ;-) Love your blog! Looking forward to reading more.

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    1. Haha! Oh I've got more stories! Crappy stuff happens to me all the time! I'm glad you popped by and you enjoyed my post. Thanks for the comment!

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  5. Does he still live around the block from you?
    Did he look at you with a little more respect when you were in your "Saturday best?"
    Funny story...
    Tracy

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    1. Um, unfortunately he does still live around the block. I don't think he was really impressed with the dress...it was all about the tooth for him. I see him every now and then around town and if I am not looking stellar, I hide! Pathetic, I know!

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  6. OMG Kim - I am dying...you crack me up!!! I can picture the scenario - that is something that could very well happen to me, except I think my teeth are all securely in place right now. Keep up the good work - LOVE your humor. Looks like we've got quite a bit in common!

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    1. Thanks Jeanne,
      Embarrassing or not, it really is a very funny story! Glad that you got a kick out of it!

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  7. LOL! :P Hahaha. As one of the co-hosts from the My Favorite Posts Weekend SHOW OFF Party! I wanted to personally thank you for linking up with us. Also, I'm hosting a Facebook like party on my blog where you can link up and increase your Facebook likes! I'd love it if you joined in too! It's here: http://anyonitanibbles.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/skinny-apple-cherry-ombre-smoothie.html

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    1. Thanks for popping by! I'll check it out! :)

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  8. Lol I loved this I kind of get it me and my sister are in the middle of moving and nothing is going to plan

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    1. Oh boy Marty. Moving is really hard, I guess if you can find something to laugh about through the move, it may help! Hope the worst of it is over! Good luck!

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  9. LOL! OMG!! How funny!! If it had happened to me, my hubby would not only have told his co-workers, it would have went up on Facebook too. Good move on your part, though :). I would've done the heels and the dress too after the fact! Thanks for sharing this @ My Favorite Posts SHOW OFF Weekend Blog Party!

    Jessica
    The Wondering Brain

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    1. I guess I should be happy my husband does not have Facebook Jessica, because, you are right, he totally would've posted!!

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  10. Yes, I am laughing... so sorry...
    I too have days like this~!
    It was the coldest winter we have had since the 1960's and in this old, rock house I was cold. So, I was sleeping in an old, red, union suit (Yep, the old red long johns)... It's ok, I can pull it off. With all this hair, I look crazy all the time anyway so what did it matter?
    I thought it was one of my daughters at the door and jumped out of bed and ran to get it. It was the UPS guy. And, I didn't button the back flap and I didn't realize until the breeze outside hit me bum. This too is a tiny area. I'm not even in a town. And, it was the man-childs cousins husband. Really Jen... cover your rear - for heavens sake... (I still blush)
    See - you're not alone~!
    Hope you got the tooth glued back on ~ rofl... I learned to 'button my flap always!'
    Jen~
    (=

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    1. Oh boy, Jen, I am sorry that it happened to you too, but glad to hear that I am not alone! ;) I guess we all have those days and all we can do it laugh about it! Thanks for popping by and sharing!!

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  11. Kim, I think you and I are long lost relatives. Only, I'd never be able to pull myself together by the afternoon! :)

    Loved the story! Thank you so much for linking up again, with the Humor Me! Blog Hop! Great job! :D

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    1. I barely, got it together Terrye, and frankly, I don't think he cared one bit...I was forever going to be that toothless hag, I am sure of it! :)

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  12. I know this is an older post, but I just had to let you know you made my day with this post. I think I pee'd myself a little. Your husband putting you on the speaker phone was the highlight.

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    1. Hahaha! YOU just made MY day!! That was such an embarrassing day, I was reluctant to share the story, but it has made so many people laugh~ including everyone in my husband's office! At least something good has come of it!

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  13. I wasn't following you yet, back when this tooth . . . I mean . . . this article came out. Found it through today's post. Am sure glad you didn't mention this last week. My two broken ribs are much better now, but LAST WEEK this story would have still put me in agony . . . from all the laughing and, of course then the laughing makes me start coughing. Double demons with sore ribs!

    Then there's the husband thing. Your's cracks me up and your posts crack my Hubs up!

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    1. Very witty comment Cheryl! I'm glad your ribs are healing and you are almost ready to laugh again! :)

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  14. Oh my gosh, I'm sorry but I'm going to share this with every human being I know. I feel for you with all of my heart and soul but that's hilarious! Did it have to be a front tooth and right there with hotty was on the porch? Bless your heart.

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    1. Total nightmare Stacey! I had to share though, I figure if you can't laugh at yourself, well, then...you know! ;)

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  15. Glad we can still comment in this post.
    It was tragedy.
    And you turned it into such a comedy. I can't stop laughing my heart out. :D (So sorry about that.) Teeth are quite the problem for me so I do sympathize but still, you wrote an hilarious post. What I laugh about is not the total destruction of your Goddess image but how he must have felt (and he was an idiot for commenting on the incident by the way).

    I'll go assume a straight face now.

    It's hard...

    Can't...

    Hahahah :D

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    1. Haha! I am so glad you are laughing. That is why I shared. I had to erase the awful memory and replace it with some fun! Can you believe that I literally just returned from the dentist to have another one fixed??? It came off this weekend. Luckily, it was just my family at home. No hunky guys present. Well, just my husband, but he always thinks I’m a Goddess!! And he knows better than to laugh at me! ;)

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