I am not good with New Year's resolutions. I never follow through. I start out with grand intentions, fired up to rip that December page off the calendar and begin anew, but by January 15, the inevitabilities of life kick in and I lose my drive. My brand new calendar usually sits on the counter, mocking me.
I don't think I am alone.
This year, however, living largely in the land of blogs, I read posts that suggested I choose one word for the year ~ a mantra of sorts to guide me through 2014. One word for all 365 days? Really, that's it? No lists filled with lofty expectations, no columns of do's and don'ts...just one word? I could totally do that, well, provided that word isn't "sit-ups" or "marathon".
It didn't take long to pick a word, I didn't think about it really, it just popped into my head: Change. Hmph. That was easy....Or was it?
The enormity of this one word thing sank in when I sat down and started thinking about what I wanted to change. I began to get overwhelmed. There was so much I wanted to alter, about myself, my habits, my attitude.
Being a pen and paper girl, I made a list: I want to eat healthier, set a weekly meal plan, I want to be okay with saying no to things I don't want to do, I need to exercise~ because I don't at all right now (unless you count carrying laundry around...then I exercise A LOT), I want to organize my days more efficiently, meditate daily (an epic fail in 2013), take a yoga class, spend more time with my mom, have some fun and, perhaps, create an Exquisitely Unremarkable empire!
Was that last one out loud?
When I finished hyperventilating, I realized that list aside, what I really wanted was to take some time for me, to remove the mindset that has been keeping me from accomplishing all these things up until now, a mindset that has had a dark hold on me since a multitude of events, including my mother's health decline, have occurred. I have been expecting and accepting the worst over the last two years and that is what I have been cultivating. The change I really need is in my attitude. I need to stop telling myself, "I can't" and start screaming, "I can!"
If I could do that, then I would certainly be able to find a way to do all the things on my list.
Of course, change is never easy, resolutions are always about more than a list. In my case, they are about perspective, determination and family support. I have the first two for sure, at least for now, but that last one may be lacking. I am not saying that my family is not supportive, they are the best, but...when one person decides to change, that may impact others and that is not always easy to accept.
I have been the happiest little stay at home wife and mother for years and I run a well oiled machine. "My staff", as my husband refers to the children, have chores and are very responsible. However, if I carve out some time for me, to make room for a few of the items on my change list, I may not be at everyone's beckon call.
How that change is going to go over, I can't imagine.
Everyone says that they are proud of me and my call to action....we'll see how long that lovin' feeling lasts when the junk food disappears from the pantry and their favorite shirt isn't ready to wear right now!
That's okay, because I am resolved to change and I guess I will just see how that part of it unfolds.
As for my own part, I am going to print that word out, post it where I can see it and embrace change...in me, in my life and in the new year.
Wish me luck.
Do you have a word for 2014?
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