The {Not So} Itsy Bitsy Spider

November 15, 2013

I Don't Like You...
So from time to time, I like to take a break from the home d├ęcor to share one of my ridiculous stories.
I'm not sure why I feel compelled to completely embarrass myself over and over again, but hey, if you can't laugh at yourself...

First, a little background ~ I hate spiders. Hate them.

A lot.

I'm not really sure why, I think it has something to do with all those legs, but whatever the reason, I freak when I see them. I actually have a full body reaction. I scream, shiver and run (and not necessarily in that order). Put me in a room with snakes or lizards, no big, but spiders....ick.

Well, my story takes place about a decade ago. We had just moved into our new home and I was almost done unpacking all the boxes. The last few were piled up in an unfinished room of the basement, mixed in with a few items the previous owner had left behind. One Saturday morning, my super sweet husband offered to take the kids to the beach so I could get that room cleaned out without interruption. I know it doesn't sound like a dreamy day, but I was actually really excited to get busy and get that task behind me.

With the house finally empty, I headed to the basement. I was in the room for about twenty seconds when I pulled the first box off the floor and froze. Bent over, box in hand, I was virtually face to face with the biggest, blackest, furriest spider I had ever seen in my entire life. I was amazed and terrified all at once.

I wanted to scream and run, or at least shake the willies off, but I was frozen still. My mind, however, was racing. In rapid fire succession, I was bombarded with thoughts.

What kind of spider is this? Is it poisonous? What if it runs toward me? Wait, did it just move? Where the hell is my husband???

Oh yeah, he's helping me ~ at the beach! Crap! More thoughts. If I leave to go get him (because there is no way I am killing that thing!) will the spider run? How can I sleep in the house tonight knowing this monster is running around? What if the kids get near it or the cats?

Oh man, where is my husband?

When I was finally able to move, and seriously I was standing there paralyzed for a good ten minutes, I made the decision to put the box back down on top of the spider to go get my husband. Quickly.

I'm really good in a crisis.

It was a sunny day in late August, so the beach was packed with all of our friends and neighbors. My husband, Mr. Social, was right in the middle of the party and was not enthused about going home to kill a spider.


He would not budge.

My pleas were falling on deaf ears.  So...I had to make a really big deal about it.

I grandstanded and explained, very loudly and with hand motions, how huge and horrifying the spider was, one for record books, probably poisonous and definitely creepy. My husband was unmoved. He joked how it was probably really tiny or an ant. I publicly tantrum-ed that I would not sleep in the house if he did not go home and kill it! I would not make dinner or ever go in the laundry room again,  ever, until that thing was gone!

Nothing. He was not moving.

It was my lovely neighbors who finally chimed in and jokingly shamed him into going home to check it out. I stayed on the beach with the kids, praying that sucker was still in the spot I had left it.

A little bit later my knight reappeared on the beach, smiling. It was a sign, I was safe. Of course, I had made such a huge deal about the whole thing that everyone gathered around to hear how my husband slayed the dragon.

Lucky me.

With dramatic pause and in great detail, my husband explained how he picked up the box and saw the beast. That indeed it was huge and black and covered in a blue-ish fur. He had never seen anything like it. It was, as I had said, chill inducing.

Vindicated, I beamed.

Certain that a tissue was not going to do the job and his flip flops would get too messy, my husband picked the vacuum with the long pole as his weapon of choice. Now, we have a central vacuum system and the suction is really, really strong, so my husband was a little freaked out himself when the spider was stuck on the end of the pole and would not go up. Perplexed, he knocked the spider against the floor and then tentatively pulled the pole a little closer to his face to discover that my scary spider nemesis was, in old dusty rubber spider ring...which he promptly produced to a beach full of uproarious laughter.

It's been a pretty hard story to live down.

That's ok, I'm good with plastic spiders and at least this time I got to keep all of my teeth and my underwear!

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  1. LOL- OMG-I would have freaked, too...maybe NOT to the extent you did but it would have definitely made me want to run away. How awful to be outed in front of everyone though. lol Great story- xo Diana

    1. Thanks Diana, yes, I am the queen of embarrassing stories! No one seems to be around when I have a triumph, but when I fall there always seems to be an audience! ;) Glad I made you laugh!

  2. I share your hatred for spiders. I didn't even like to look at your fake spider in your pictures! I so would have freaked out too.


    1. Angi, that spider looked so real, even my husband thought it was alive! I am so glad it was fake and yes, I was not happy photographing that rubber Halloween spider! I took one shot and hoped it was good! Hey thanks so much for the comment!

  3. Kim,

    Have just come from your 'trickling tooth on your lip' post - very funny story, but I felt bad for you, could totally see your point of view! Now, this nasty spider tale is more than familiar to me! I have had the misfortune of being in the same predicament, except the creepy crawler wasn't as big, although very much real! YUCK!!! Hate them! Both descriptions of your reactions are exactly me! You explained it perfectly! Anyway, better a little embarrassed than harassed by these horrifying creatures!

    Have a lovely, spider free week!


    1. I agree~ the embarrassment fades and turns into a funny post, memories of a real spider encounter would be so much less pleasant! I am sorry that you had to deal with the real thing...sounds like I got off easy!! Of course, the tooth incident was another story altogether! It's funny, I am not usually that vain, but something about losing a tooth in public made me very self conscious! Oh well, at least I can laugh about it now! Hope you are having a lovely spider free week as well! :)

  4. Oh that's hilarious! Sounds like y'all needed to put your glasses on like me. :)

    I have a girlfriend who is scared like that over mice. Funny thing is that she has every kind of pet in the world but will stand on the kitchen counter for a hour if she sees a mouse.

    1. I totally need glasses! :) It's so funny what people are afraid of and how they react. Like I said, I can hold a snake and it doesn't bother me at all, but show me a spider and I freak! I'm not too fond of birds either. Thankfully, I don't usually have to worry about them in the house. Although, I do have a story about that...a post for another day!

  5. I get it! I would have felt quite vindicated when the husband thought it was alive, too. ;-) At least he told them that he was fooled as well, albeit not quite the same reaction.

    I had one climbing in my bathtub once... I poured straight bleach on him and closed the door! When I went back in, he was still alive and trying to get out. I put a rope out the window and down into the bathtub and left again. When I went back, he was gone. I'm not sure he went out the window, from this distance of 40 years, but at the time I was willing to assume he had!
    I believe those things are called wolf spiders.
    Then there was the time when one was walking straight for me, and when I got to work, found out I had missed weekend duty (I was in the Army at the time) and was in trouble with the CO.... An omen?
    Spiders are not my favorite thing, but as long as they're not big and hairy, I'm okay. Glad you survived!

    1. I am truly not a fan of those eight legged suckers...if I can suck it up with a vacuum from a safe distance, I'm ok. This spider was a monster and I was not going to attempt it. Of course, what I really needed was glasses...that would've been the best weapon of choice in this situation! ;)

  6. Hi Kim~ Pick me up off the floor, I am LOL This is too funny, but I have to say I would be freaked too if I saw that spider and didn't know it was plastic. I am not a fan of spiders at all!! But, your hubby thought it was real at first too, so that helps!! Funny story!! Have a great weekend. cm

    1. It was vindicating to know that he thought it was real too…it was covered in webs, left there by the former owners for years to gather dust. I am actually happy to know it was fake. Embarrassing, yes, but at least I could be sure it didn’t have a partner or babies left behind!! ;)

  7. Oh my! Funny story! At least there was no chance of it charging you!

    1. None whatsoever, AnnMarie…although I still shudder when I think of it! ;)

  8. Kim, I feel for you, I really do BUT, I am laughing so hard. I would have hugged you if I had been there and told you that I would feel the same, BUT, I think I still would be laughing so hard!!. OK, that being said you can take a break from reading my blog for this whole month of October as it is filled with things that go bump in the night..Happy Weekend..Judy

    1. Everyone on the beach was laughing hard, Judy, so you would've been in good company! It really was funny. I giggle when I think of it...NOW! ;)


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