The first year in our new home was a wild time and while I would never want to relive it, it did provide us with some very funny stories. Of course, ninety-nine percent of the time, the laugh was at my expense.
We closed on the house in early September, Labor Day weekend actually, a few days before my oldest would hop on the bus to kindergarten and I would start teaching preschool, my first job, outside the home, since having kids. It was a big adjustment and like I said, a wild year.
I had a toddler in tow and a house under MAJOR construction. I was class mom, taught Sunday school, helped out with local theater productions, had two cats, a puppy, a husband that worked long hours and traveled A LOT. It was a busy time, to say the least and I was trying to do it all. Things were bound to fall through the cracks and they did.
The most memorable crack, however, was the day I lost my underwear at Kmart.
My kids had been begging me to take them shopping for valentines for weeks. The pretty cards showed up in the stores in January and while I was busy trying to reacquaint myself with the business of teaching and keep up with my wife/ mother jobs in a house that didn't have running water on most days, I didn't see valentine cards as a priority. Eating was a priority, bathing was a priority. Valentines didn't really make the list, but eventually, those kids wore me down.
So, one chilly afternoon, after I dismissed my preschoolers, I grabbed my toddler from her own two and a half year old class and raced home to meet the kindergarten bus. I was always on the clock. I ran in the house and dropped my coat on the floor in my room while I listened to the machine for messages. I then fed the kids, picked up a few toys, glanced at my plan book for the next day and sped off again.
After buckling and unbuckling and dodging the cars in the icy parking lot, we finally walked into Kmart and were immediately greeted by rows and rows of the coveted valentine cards. The kids were in awe. They stood there for a brief moment, overwhelmed by the choices, before one of them looked down and yelled, "Ew, mommy....somebody's underwear is on the floor!" Of course everyone entering and exiting the store turned around to look and yes, there was indeed a pair of someone's old underwear on the floor, right there in front of the valentine display. Gross, but then again, it was Kmart. I kind of shrugged and moved the kids away from it.
Then I froze.
I looked again and it slowly dawned on me that the underwear lying on the floor in Kmart, left there, I'd assumed, by some less than classy customer, belonged to ME!
Yes, it was my underwear, and not even my good underwear, on the floor and I was horrified. Even more so, when one of my kids said, "Mommy, those look like your underpants!" People looked at me and laughed. I gave them the "crazy kids" face, panicked, put my foot on top of the panties and flung them under the holiday rolling rack.
We left immediately.
Obviously without any valentines.
The kids were crying and I was mortified as we scurried through the lot, sure that someone I knew had seen me ~ a parent from school, an old flame or worse, one of my husband's old girlfriends! I was also certain that the whole incident had been caught on surveillance camera and that the night crew would find them and laugh hysterically at the crazy lady who lost her underwear.
I spent the next month checking YouTube for any incriminating video.
Sitting in the car, contemplating whether or not I should go back in to get my...belongings...I wracked my brain trying to understand what had just happened.
Wasn't I wearing my underwear?
Believe it or not, I actually checked.
It was utterly incomprehensible. How did a pair of my most private attire end up on the floor of a large box store?
After much contemplation, I figured out that they must have gotten stuck to the back of my coat from static electricity when I dropped it on the floor at home. You see laundry was not one of the priorities. The pile was big and my underwear must have been on the top, which means that I walked across that crowded parking lot with those white floral panties pasted to the back of my black coat. Once inside the store, they must have just fallen off.
I called my husband for consolation. In between bouts of uncontrollable laughter and questioning me on exactly which pair I'd lost (um, like that mattered ~ at all) he reassured me that it wasn't such a big deal, convinced me that no one saw anything, swore that he wouldn't tell anyone...and then hung up and immediately shared the story with his entire staff.
I'm apparently very good for office morale.
Of course, years later it's actually a ridiculously funny story, I mean who loses their underwear at Kmart?
You know who?
This girl, that's who...and I mean, honestly, at this point are you really surprised?
If you're looking for more funny stories, check out my Smile Tab under Words.
If you're done with words and are looking for a few ways to dress your home for Valentine's Day, check out these banners! They may not be funny, but they sure are pretty!
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